Grief

If you have ever lost someone you loved and cared about, you know the grieving process can be quite a difficult one. When I start a therapy relationship with a bereaved client, they often ask the same questions -

“What is grief?”

“How do I grieve?”

“How long does this last?”

If someone comes to me in pain, my natural instinct is to comfort and help try to alleviate some of the pain they consumed with. However, my therapy philosophy is honesty. I won’t sugar coat things for you; I won’t tell you what you want to hear. 

Grief can be a lifelong process. It does get easier but it’s a tricky little fucker that can sneak up on you years after your loved one has died. 

You grieve however you need to. I don’t encourage engaging in self destructive behaviors, drug use or behaviors that can hurt other people but, if you need a night or two of drinking or if you want to smoke some weed (age appropriate behaviors of course) then give yourself a few days of that. But then take control of your emotions before you start a habit you can’t break. 

It’s unknown how long grief will last for each individual person. The stronger your support system, the more willing you are to talk to someone whether its a therapist, a friend or some other trusted peer, then the shorter the trauma that comes with death. If you are closed off, deny that you are hurting and continue to engage in negative behaviors, the length is unknown but it is certain that you will suffer. More than likely in silence. 

As a therapist, I am not immune to any of this. My aunt died in 2014. In the days following, everything felt unreal. While visiting with family in the aftermath, I expected her to be wherever we were. I even found myself looking for her while sitting at her funeral. It was a sudden and unexpected death that no one in my family has fully processed; even to this day. There were songs I avoided because they reminded me of her. I had a hard time looking through photos and refused to delete her number because that made it too real. My entire family was still reeling from the death of my grandmother only 9 months earlier and her death was traumatic in more ways than one. My aunt dying, the aunt who was closets to my grandmother, the aunt that everyone called with a problem, the one who was the life of the party; for HER to die…. It took the air right out of the room. 

A tool I often encourage my clients to utilize while grieving, is letter writing. Whether you are writing a letter directly to the person who died or you just need to write out what you are thinking, feeling, longing for, etc. Getting it down on paper or typed up, is incredibly healing. I found the eulogy I would have given at her funeral if I wasn’t so emotionally jacked up at the time and I’d like to share it with you.

Good afternoon and thank you all for coming. 

Today we remember Rose Ross. A beautiful person who touched you in some special way; which is why you are here to celebrate her.

As I stand here delivering a eulogy about a person who I still can't believe is gone, I'm filled with anger, disappointment and sadness. 

Anger that she died so young 

Disappointment that we have lost another member of our family 

And sadness because I know we are going to hurt from this loss for a long time. 

And even now as I stand here before you, I find myself scanning this crowd looking for her face and not finding. Second guessing where she is and expecting that at any minute she is going to walk through those doors. 

And my heart is heavy because we all know that will never again happen. We will never hear her enter a room before she physically does. 

We will never experience her infectious laugh and her big bright smile.

We will never again smell her perfume or feel the warmth of her hugs. 

I ask you to take the fondest memory you have of her and hold on to it tightly. Share it whenever you encounter someone who knew her. Say her name regularly, don’t let her memory fade. In the midst all this grief and trauma, it is in those memories her light shines brightest. And in those memories we will always have Rose. 

I like would like to close with a thought that has brought me comfort when I need it most. I am comforted in knowing that ReRe is safe because she is with Grandma. Right now they are sitting together, enjoying some laughs over a few drinks. We are still healing from losing grandma and we all know how hard it hit ReRe. With that thought I know in my heart that ReRe’s pain is finally over.